Funnies At Work Pt. II

1. Was driven home by 6th Grade Teacher Man (some call him Mr. Kim) today after school. I asked him who would take the place of the pregnant 3rd grade teacher (some call her Mrs. Kim, there are lots of "Kims"), who is due probably at this very moment, once she departs. After getting a less-than-straight answer we, for some reason, begin to go over the length-of-stay formula for Korean teachers: They change schools every 5 years, and the principal changes every 4, mandatory change.


It's hard to justify conversations between my coworkers and me via blog, so just imagine a lot of slowed-down speech, frequent pauses, and misinterpretation.
Mr. Kim:  "This year...many, many teachers.. leave Hyopo [my school]. Change school."
Me: "Oh-really? Who-is-leaving?"
Mr. Kim: "...First grade teacher..................third grade teacher...........that is all."
Me: ".......Oh! [muttering] Remind me to teach him the word 'many'....Are-you-staying-at-Hyopo?"
Mr. Kim: ".............yes........................................................................"
Me: "Oh okay.....I'm going to pretend to stare at the passing mountains as if this is the first time I have seen then, something I do too frequently in times of awkward silences."


2. Since late-December, as most of you know, I haven't had a regular class. Well, not until Friday the 3rd. For 6 weeks or so, minus my vacation, I was teaching winter camps and going to school until noon. It's a weird situation they put the students in. They have 6 weeks off for vacation, they come back, and not even 2 weeks later they have another 10 days off or so for Spring Break. Then, they "graduate" to the next grade levels. From what I've read on the online blogs, most English teachers don't even teach during this period between vacations, and some are even advised to just watch movies with the students. Seems pointless, but what the hey. Ramblings aside, I decided to do some fun lessons for the kids. Today, I had my students make Chinese New Year lanterns, decorating them with their names, birth year, Chinese zodiac animal, and the animal name in English. They turned out really well. The 4th graders ended up with the Year of the Dragon, and all the girls wanted a cute little bug-eyed dragon to draw, and the boys all wanted a manly dragon, which was nice because I found both doing a Google Image search. All the boys wanted me to draw the muscular dragon arms for them, and I of course DID. Who doesn't like drawing dragons that lift weights? Anyway, this class was right after my 3rd grade class, and went much smoother. The third grade class was very enthusiastic, which was nice. BUT, they couldn't agree on a picture, and one kid was born in a different year, so he was the Year of the Snake, while everyone else was the Year of the Horse. I had to switch back and forth to help the single snakester, but every time I did that students would erase their horses and start drawing snakes. "No, no!" I cried. "Your horse is okay. Don't erase!" *Click* is the sound made when I switch back to the snake 3 minutes later, pre-lantern papers full of beautiful, majestic horses. Next sound I hear? Pencils dropping on tables, erasers quickly becoming smaller as children race to destroy the beauty that is the pencil-drawn horse. Exasperated, I draw the kid's dang snake myself and leave the horse picture up where it should be.

Funnies At Work

-My first week of Winter Camp is at my rural school, and I want to do something fun. I decide upon a Harry Potter-themed camp since my kids always rave about him. I give Mrs. Chae, my Co-Teacher, a materials list that includes things for them to make wands, cauldrons, various drinks for mixing potions in the cauldrons, a big hat to turn in the Sorting Hat, large pieces of construction paper to turn into House banners, etc. If you don't know what this stuff is, Google search "Harry Potter house banner" and "Harry Potter sorting hat". Luckily, I prepare enough just in case she doesn't bring anything at all. Well, she brings in some stuff, something I can work with. No construction paper or a hat, no long pencils to make wands or paint to paint the wands, but I did get bowls and drinks. Some Coke bottles, tomato juice, and mango juice. Okay, I asked for blue, red, and green Gatorade, but hey, the kids will drink anything. She also brings in some Oreo cookies which I later smash to use as a dirt mixer. Potions class turns out alright, but it's mainly just a competition to see who will drink the nastiest concoction. I must say, these kids are going to be quite the drinkers. Downing bowls full of tomato juice, Coke, and Oreo dirt mixed can't be an easy task. The rest of the week is fairly anticlimactic, except for Thursday when I get to make ddeokbokki with the students. Ddeokbokki (DUCK-boh-kee) is a dish with rice cakes, onions, carrot, cabbage, sometimes meat, and sometimes cheese in a thick spicy sauce. Really good, and the students did a really good job! Click here for a pic of it The recipe calls for just a little bit of sugar, but of course the sugar bowl is completely empty after the class. The students who didn't care too much for the cooking aspect had no problem shoveling spoonfuls in their mouths. Mary Poppins said just a spoonFULL, not FULLS, of sugar helps the medicine go down! Silly Koreans and their faulty subtitles.

-For Christmas, I took a ton of clementines and Reese's PB Cups for the staff at my main school. They LOVED it. It was a huge ego booster and I got so many brownie points that day. So many brownie points. Couldn't even count them. Not one person spit on me that day! Okay, they don't normally, but they especially didn't on this day. On the way to school (I got picked up by my bud, Mr. Jang-a 40-something year old who acts as my personal volleyball trainer and teaches me the ways of a Korean), I learned the word for gift or present, just in case anyone asked me why on Earth I brought food to school. It would've come in handy had I remembered it correctly. I go downstairs at one point to see my Principal just snacking away at the clementines (since coming here, my citric acid intake has increased tenfold, it really is a main staple of Korean diets), smacking his lips and flinging peel everywhere. Good. My brilliant plan has reached the top of the hierarchical totem-pole. Yessss. All is good. Now, all I must do is tell him it's a gift in beautiful, unadulterated Korean-tongue. He tells me to come forward, to enjoy some of these clementines myself. I grab one, but no, he says, take three. I say, nay-nay! "This is a gift! For everyone (expanding my arms like wings), for Hyopo Elementary School!" He looks at me with a half-cocked head, turns to the VP, says something about gift, the word I just clearly said to him. Well, maybe I didn't say it clear enough. "Yes, a gift!" Still nothing. Luckily Miss Park, my Co-Teacher, walks in and helps the Principal figure out what I mean. "Ohh, so I've been saying 'newspaper' this whole time?" Great. Go back and substitute "gift" with "newspaper". Good thing I am okay with laughing at myself, and the word I really said wasn't something evil.

This one

I've been wanting to write about our first trip to Seoul, but things kept coming up, and I just couldn't find the time. Then, on the last day of classes, I found myself doused with extra time after all my classes were cancelled. Great opportunity to do some blogging, I think to myself! All I have to do is turn on the computer. The last few weeks, my school computer has been on a downward spiral. At first I'd have to restart it once or twice for it to stay on, and like an old car in the cold, it just needed some lovin' to get going. This easy-going approach soon turned to contempt, as the "once or twice" restarts soon doubled, tripled, and I just would have loved to climb to the top of the South Korean flag pole on top of the three-story building and hurl the CPU to the ground. Back to the point, though, because everyday it still eventually came on, and usually the maximum time was around 30 minutes. 59 attempts (attempts meaning automatic and manual restarts) and more than 3 hours later, the computer is able to turn on and stay on for more than 5 minutes. I know what you're thinking, but no, "59" is not a random number I came up with to make the reader understand that "yeah, it took a while". I tallied 59 marks on the white board behind me. Triple counted because even I was shocked. Needless to say, after it finally came to, I was not exactly in the mindset to write, so some Seoul pics and stories are due soon.

I Contract Influenza; Become Pregnant

-I was swarmed like no other by my kindergartners today. They are so cute and amiable, always coming up to give me hugs and whisper in my ear, which would be fine if I had a clue what they were whispering about. One little girl followed me around the entire class asking for something, I think. She could have been really sick, pleading for my help, and I had no idea. This is where having a Co-teacher is extremely helpful, except the teacher didn't seem to notice until 5 minutes before class ended, when she then managed to pry the girl off my back. She's okay though, haven't heard any commotion or ambulances yet. Oh yeah, one kid came up to ask me a question and sneezed on me, so I am fairly sure I have influenza. I did some research and found that the virus is spread by the "ah-choo" of Korean kindergartners 99% of the time.


-Last week, I did my normal Wednesday volleyball games and had dinner afterward. Thursday rolls around, and a coworker pops in my room to say we should go play volleyball again...now. I submit, but tell him I have no gym pants or shoes. That's okay, because he has some in his car. Well, he doesn't, so we get there and I play in jeans and boat shoes until Mr. Jang, the second-grade teacher has the grand idea that we switch shoes. What size do you wear? he asks, to which I reply 267. Okay, wear mine, they are 255, you will be okay. Later checking the conversion, that's going from a 10.5 to a size 9 shoe. Walking in them would be fine, but repeatedly running and jumping like a monkey did things to me. Scarred my feet for life. My feet were molded to the shoe afterward; they looked like the feet of Chinese women in the late 19th-early 20th century. Not sure what I mean? Google "Chinese women feet" in images and see for yourself. Note: not for the squeamish. After volleyball three of us go to play Korean billiards, which is a completely foreign and difficult-yet-awesome experience for me. Will try and get a video of it next time, as the 6th grade teacher who played is amazing at it.


-Still am getting used to the "eat/drink while it's boiling hot" ideal here. They finish their soup and coffee before I even start. I seriously feel like I am racing them every time I eat, except they look relaxed and I look like a bumbling idiot with steam coming from my pores.


-Went to an upscale buffet after volleyball one week, called Viking Buffet. Honestly the best buffet I have ever been to. Steak bar, sushi bar (fresh sushi to my Wilmington readers, not China Buffet off Market street quality where they find beached-fish and throw it atop something that resembles rice), freshly grilled pork, bacon-wrapped somethingorothers, elegant chicken and seafood dishes, amazing tempura, fresh-squeezed kiwi, mango, and strawberry juices, cakes and pies and fresh fruits and cheeses, et cetera. After 5 plates, a beer and 3 glasses of juice, they all pointed to me in delight. I never disappoint in countries where dining is the way of life (Spain, Italy, Korea). I just sit back, smile, talk about how delicious it is, and pat my tummy, which they get a laugh at. I keep wanting to throw in a food baby joke, but knowing their stance on premarital relations holds me back. Since I am not married to the food, it might come off as tasteless (get it, tasteless food joke? *uneasy chuckle*).

Me Duhs a Eenglush Festuh Vall

This past Friday, November 18th, I helped out with an English Festival for 4 schools, along with another English Teacher. I am told for a while that really all I have to do is have a short introduction of myself, and come up with a riddle for the students. Note to self: Koreans do not know what a riddle is. They think it is simply a question, like "What color is grass?" and not something with a twist or some sort of enigma. Anyway, as the Festival comes closer, I discover my time slot is 5 minutes, so my riddle needs to be longer, and I should throw in a couple more just in case. Okay, easy. I already have a whole list from before (I used some for my classes).

Fast forward to the event. I have 30 minutes beforehand, which the other English speaker uses to go over everything we're supposed to do, none of which I have seen before. However, most of it is straightforward and simple enough to wing it. That improv class I did back in Summer '03 really got its money's worth!

Fast forward to 5 minutes before. The coordinator for it all, who speaks pretty good English, tells me I need a microphone, and fits me with one of those infomercial, clip-to-the-tie microphones. Only, there's too much interference to have it on my shirt, so I have to hold the tiny mic in my hand. Pretty funny, to be honest.

Fast forward to the act just BEFORE my slot. Coordinator says I should have around 10 riddles, because she has 10 prizes for me to give out and doesn't want any left over. "Is that okay?" This is when I start feeling inadequate as a teacher and human being, because I can't think of riddles at the top of my head while children dance and sing in the background. Then she gives me the suggestion "What color is my shirt?", and I begin to think she is not familiar with the word "riddle." 

Long story short, the whole event is riddled with tech errors (knee-slapping pun intended), so when I get up there and the mic is between a shrill scream and fuzziness, I think it goes slightly unnoticed. It's over before I know it, everyone gives us a hurrah, and we're on our way.

Side note: We did a scavenger hunt at one point, and it was pretty cool to see my students push through the masses to find me for help, and not one of the other Korean teachers like I would've assumed. Pretty neat.

I Meet Pepero and His Bloody Friends

Today is Pepero Day!-Especially festive because of the year (11-11-11)

To prevent future confusion: pepero are biscuit/cookie-like sticks covered in chocolate. Look at my stash from the day down below. I was told by Mr. Jang, the second grade teacher at Hyopo Elementary, that Pepero Day was comparable to Thanksgiving Day. At first I thought he was joking, but then I remembered last night...People ransacking GS Market for all the pepero they could get, literally running through the store. I wonder what they stock up on during a natural disaster. Thoughts, anyone? Anyway, this is my new favorite holiday. Yes, it's the only holiday I have experienced here thus far. But, I love chocolate. I love it even more when it's free. And I love it even further when it's personally handed to me with a bow, accompanied by a "Happy Pepero Day!"

My glorious stash

-Now, just a quick note on some things I have had, that I think should be public knowledge. I won't even beat around the bush for these...

1. Beetle larvae 번데기, served as a side dish for 삼겹살 one night. It looked like bugs, but I quickly dismissed the idea as absurd. This is the 21st century for typing out loud! We don't eat bugs anymore! That's what they do on Lion King, in Africa, back in the 90s. Long and gone, right? No. Still thriving. Crunchy outer shell, grainy and mushy innards. Sorry Timon, they were slimy, but fa sho were not satisfying.

2. Congealed block of cow's blood 선지해장국, served in a stew. Malia had it, and said it looked like a darker kind of tofu, even tasted like tofu. Must be tofu. I honestly thought nothing of the taste, seemed normal. One try is good enough for me.

3. Pig's head, but this was honestly tasty, I just put it on here because of the obscurity. I have never had it before, and I would enjoy it again sometime. It was cut into squares, served cold, eaten with some rice and kimchi. 

Random-Notes-That-Must-Be-Posted

-On Wednesday (26th), we play some intense volleyball, where the stakes were loser buys dinner. Doesn't sound so bad, but I discover 50 people are gonna be in attendance at this restaurant. We go straight to the place, which seems fairly upscale to me, and the tables are already set up with everything (meat, side dishes, soju, beer, the works). I finally get to be taken to dinner with all Koreans, to really get the dinner experience. Obviously, conversation on my part is limited to pointing, laughing, crying from soju, and cheers-ing. On a side note, we have been trying to find places to eat that have pictures, that way we can get some idea of what we're ordering. Other than that, up until recently that is, we have resorted to caveman-like grunting and pointing for our food, although cavemen probably had it easier. All they had to do was make fires and kill saber tooth tigers. Oh, to be a caveman....How glorious. Now, we can read the language, and look up pretty successfully what the item is. Anyway, the coworker dinner was awesome. On the meat platter was the below-mentioned samgyopsal (pork slices), and duck slices. Both meats were fantasmic, and there was more than plenty to go around. They must have slaughtered half of Korea's livestock to feed this bunch. The soju aspect is interesting. Korean custom basically dictates that you offer someone a shot glass, if they accept, you pour. They drink. They make a distorted face from the taste. They look for a chaser. Something to wash the taste away. Chaser is nonexistent. "Oh no!" says their face. They now are legally allowed to force a shot glass into your hands (I don't make the rules), to deliver a counterattack. Now for me, pretty sure I was taken advantage of, because I know for a fact the same guy got me to take shots on multiple occasions, but always just happened to have a full shot in his possession before my return hit. I'll get him one day. I guarantee it.

-There's a dog chained up somewhere close outside, who apparently is the loneliest dog on the planet. Some nights I hear him howling until 5 a.m., but it threw me off at first, because it doesn't sound like a howl, but more like a frightened cow lowing in the barn. Seriously, when Malia and I heard it the first time, we were freaking out, thinking a Korean ghost was haunting us (It had to be a Korean ghost, because American ghosts don't howl like that. They go "ooOOooo, woogidy, woogidy, woogidy"). Well, she was scared, I wasn't. I laugh in the face of danger, hahahahaa (which movie, guys?)!

-This country and I have something very important in common-we love to eat. There are restaurants EVERYWHERE, at least I think they're restaurants since I can't technically read any signs to know for sure. The only food signs I have down pat are samgyopsal 삼겹살 and soegogisal 소고기살, my two favorite things to eat so far. Both are barbecued at the center of your table, first one being pork belly, the latter tender strips of lowing cow. Both are wrapped in lettuce leaves, topped with ssamjang (a sweet/spicy red pepper paste), garlic, and seasoned leeks or green onion. You fold the lettuce over and over until you have a manageable bite, then have at it. Despite what you may read (I've read opposing views), Koreans love taking huge bites and talking with mouths stuffed full. I was lucky enough to be invited for dinner at my co-teach's house. Everyone was there to meet me, even Grandma made an appearance. Food was astounding, some sort of Korean burrito; cheese, meat, pineapple, apple, tomato, noodles, spicy sauce, lettuce wrapped in rice paper. I had about 9 burritos (I was racing her uncle, a 6 foot 4 former Seoul University basketball player). They just kept throwing food on my plate, and loved watching me eat. Reminds me of Mamaw!

-There's quite a difference between observed traffic laws in Korea and the US. Although most of drivers in the ole colonies like to pick and choose which laws they want to toss out the window, the majority, I would think, hope really, come to a halt at a red light. This is not so in Korea. I think it's acceptable driving etiquette to breeze right through the light if it looks "clear", and i put clear in quotations because sometimes their ideas of clear are far from it (if you're crossing the street, during a red light, you have the right away, right? nahhh, some cars, mostly taxis, seem to miss seeing you there.). I guess the absence of police here lets people know it's alright. It somehow works, though. I haven't seen any accidents whatsoever, no dead bodies on crosswalks either.

-On a more solemn note: Two of my classes have students with learning disabilities, and I wasn't able to pinpoint what the deal was for a while. To be honest, I still don't know what the issues are, but nevertheless, something is missing. One kid, a 6th grader, is unable to speak. Not sure if he's mute, can't speak English, or just chooses not to try. One of my more advanced students told me he had some issues, but I am not sure how much faith I can put into a 12 year old, even one as smart as this kid. In my 4th grade class, there are two students that are constantly behind, and I can bet that's how it's going to stay, as there seems to be absolutely no initiative present. One of 'em has an English speech impediment, and can hardly get the words out, let alone get them out coherently. The other kid will not stay seated, at all. I only think he'll be somewhat calm if the co-teach is in the room, and even then he's in and out of the classroom. This same kid bothers me all throughout the day, and insists on trying to hug me and hold my hand. By the way, most of the co-teachers that are supposed to be in the rooms to help out disappear, I guess as soon as it looks like I have everything under control, which sometimes is after 5 minutes. After observing him a little more (i.e. just a minute ago I watched some of the kids playing soccer outside, pesky kid included. He had ball control, speed, somewhat focus, and seemed to be getting along fine.), I am thinking he has severe ADD. Overly diagnosed I know, but I am a doctor so I am fairly confident in myself.

Hyopo Elementary School

RJ, Steve, and Malia in RJ's hometown Chungju.

Whoaaa so artsy. Found this dandy while hiking in Chungju.

Two of my 5th graders.